id be happy to die for a taste of what angel had

i dont know where to start or where to end
this is supposed to be a spiral
but it feels like a sick fucking circle
back there and here
nothing productive
kept btl
but i cant stop thinking of you
i read the whole fucking thing
again
for like the fourth time
all the way through
and so much that made me smile
and giggle like schoolgirl
but then

"Last night was devoted to nostalgia.  I spent a majority of the night/early morning crying by myself, sorting through boxes and boxes of pictures.  It was like I was slowly tourturing myself with memories.  The more I sorted through, the harder it was for me to stop.  The notes you wrote.  The tapes you made.  The flowers you sent.  Every sticker you ever stuck.  I saved them.  I kept them.  All of them.  Until last night.  I threw away memories with each letter and balloon and every fake fucking picture with your stupid fucking smile.  I burned them out of my life with every stick of incense I lit.  I hate the fact that you can manage to make me feel this way after five months have gone by.  I devoted two years of my life to you.  Two whole years.  The only thing I got out of it was a bag of trash and a profound hatred for anyone around who happens to be happier than I am.  Fake.  Fake, fake, fake.  You make me sick.  You make me hate myself and everyone else.  With the exception of you.  But she's no exception.  She is the worst of all.  I hate her because she stole you away from me.  From us.  I hate her because she's you and you're her and because you two embody everything that we made fun of for those two years.


I don't care how pathetic and disgusting this makes me look, but I have to get it out there.  So you know.  So I know.  I'm admitting defeat.  You fucking ripped me to shreds. "


i cant believe it ever went down like that
i cant believe it
i cant believe anything anymore

i cant stop thinking about you

this place is a prison